Who are you voting for under there?

Ladies and gentlemen, America is a nation divided.

There is a large and vocal contingent of the population that adamantly prefers the freedom and comfort provided by boxer shorts.  They point to Ben Franklin who said “those who would sacrifice freedom for security deserve neither.”

On the other hand, many others demand the snugness and security provided by briefs.  They retort that with boxers, you’re flopping all over the place.

Both sides of the argument are dug in, and there seems little possibility of compromise.

Enter Obama Boxer-Briefs.  True to the nation’s current spirit of consensus, designer Andrew Christian has released boxer-briefs featuring the president’s likeness on the front, and the number “08″ on the back.  At just $29, you’d be stupid not to buy them.  Wow!

Caveat emptor; You go out drinking with your friends.  You meet a pretty girl wearing a Ron Paul ’08 shirt.  In a pathetic effort to impress her, you tell her “yeah baby, I’m totally into Ron Paul.”  You take her home, forgetting that you’re wearing your Obama boxer-briefs.  One thing leads to another… but oh no!

“What’s this, Obama underwear?  You lied to me?  You lied.”  She’s livid.  “I’m sorry,” she says, “I have to go.  I can’t have a one-night stand with some guy I met in a bar if he’s the type of guy that lies!”

“But baby,” you say, “I’m wearing them ironically.”  But it’s too late.  She’s already gone home to her Obama pleasure toy.  You crack open a bottle of Senator Beer and cry yourself to sleep.

Uh… do you not remember the last eight years? Impeach Obama bumper stickers

They’re here, Impeach Obama bumper stickers. Oh man.

So much to say, where to begin?

First of all, you can’t impeach a person just because you don’t like them.  The Constitution is pretty clear about this.  There has to be some kind of crime committed while in office such as… I dunno, a high crime or misdemeanor.

Seriously, the guy has been in office about a week-and-a-half.  He hasn’t even had time to pull a Blagojevich yet.  And it’s not like he opened secret prisons or deliberately misled the public into war.  After all, he didn’t torture people or spy on his own citizens.  I could understand if he stood idle while a natural disaster hit a major US city, or appointed his (totally unqualified) buddies to the Supreme Court or FEMA.

But no, Obama hasn’t done any of that yet.

Secondly, patriotic duty?  It’s patriotic to unjustifiably remove the duly elected chief of state?  You mean the one that won in a landslide last November?  That’s patriotic?

But because this is a fair and balanced blog, I’m going to give equal time to the other side.  Here’s what proponents of impeaching Obama say (my snarky comments in italics):

Obama not a US citizen
To the morons that voted this criminal into office, be it known…Obama has failed to prove his citizenship. He has refused to release a variety of documents that would clearly prove this…. Not to mention he has NEVER managed anything in his life. He has not even held a paying job outside of political office. The list of reasons to impeach this fraud are far to extensive to list here. Impeachment is too good. He should be in prison.

Uh, constitutional law professor isn’t a paying job?  And prison?  Seriously? Aren’t you thinking of this guy?

If you support Obama you support
NAMBLA, if you are an Obama fan then your a Barney Frank fan, DemocRATS are this countries cancer, We do not need to live in an Obama Nation!

Are you saying that 53% of the country supports NAMBLA?  Plus, what’s with the Barney Frank jab?  Kinda random homophobia.  You know, Freud hypothesizes that the subconscious mind manifests repressed desires.  Just food for thought.

obama not american not african
Yes he’s half white born in kenya just another racist like M.L.king hiding behind the name black/negro name he will premote more division between the nationalities or races as (Hussein obama the great black joke) would have it…. I feel sorry for the black People of America that have been taken in by this fake want to be black man. It will be the real Proud Blacks of america that take obama down…

I can see by your comments that you’re truly in touch with the “real” and “Proud Blacks” of America.  You must have many many black friends.

i wounder what it would be liek if I just worote things withoutht thinking what I was saying.  it seeems a lot easier I thingk for now on I wont think before I sau anythignb,.

Items is a genuine Obama spaceman quarter Thank you for your interest in the auction

Every now and then, I find an item so bizarre, so ridiculous, that no amount of sarcasm could do it justice.  So rather than pontificating and droning on and on and on, posting a bunch of random links that have nothing to do with anything, I thought I’d let the product description speak for itself.  This one comes to us from an eBay seller in Gainsville, Florida.  Current bid is $10 and rising!

Contents:
Barack Obama coin. Ohio state spaceman quarter. Metal. One of a kind collector’s item

Certificate of authenticity. Paper. One of a kind document.

Question and answer:

Q: Would you be willing to sell the certificate of authenticity separately?

A: possibly, though what would the certificate authenticate if it were by itself?

Q: Is this metal coin metallic or just regular metal?

A: both and neither

Q: Do you also have the rare one where the “OBAMA” is upside down? I hear those are going for much more.

A: Future collectible editions are not yet ready to be made public. Custom orders may be available.

Q: Isn’t Obama from Illinois?

A: technically he is from Hawaii

Q: So you just wrote Obama on the quarter, and people are actually bidding on it? Well congrats on capitalizing on absolute stupidity!

A: Items is a genuine Obama spaceman quarter Thank you for your interest in the auction

Special hat tip to Ross for digging this up.  Can you believe someone bid $10 for a defaced quarter?  Do you think they realize that with a sharpie marker, you can make the same thing at home for 25 cents?  Only in America.

DC tat shops ink up amped up Obama supporters

Remember the first time you fell in love?  How much that person meant to you, how you thought you’d spend your entire lives together?  How nothing would ever tear you apart?

You were so head-over-heals that you even got a tattoo of that person’s name.

Then you find out that while you were out of town, she was getting it on with your best friend in the back seat of a Ford Focus (I’m not bitter).

CNN.com reports that tattoo parlors throughout DC are giving Obama fanatics the opportunity to relive this experience on a presidential scale.  Many offered discounted Obama tats during inauguration week.

Caveat emptor; this may backfire.  I was so excited in 2002 after the election of the second Serbian-American governor in US history that I got a life-sized portrait of the Blagojevich on my back.  Now I’m looking at paying $4,000 just to get it removed, though for $300 I can have it modified to look like Paul McCartney.

Minor League Baseball: Barack is Brooklyn

The Brooklyn Cyclones, the short-season minor league affiliate of my beloved New York Mets, have announced that the team will be temporarily renamed the “Baracklyn Cyclones” for their June, 23rd game against the Hudson Valley Renegades.

The team will sport fashionable “Baracklyn Cyclones” jerseys, and the first 2,500 in attendance will receive Obama bobbleheads.  Individual tickets to this game have already sold out, though group tickets are still available.

Well, you can’t argue with results.

The Brooklyn Cyclones?  Never heard of them.  I’ve certainly never worked at KeySpan park as a professional juggler.  It’s not like this was my boss’ idea…

I’d just like to take this opportunity to say what an amazing idea this is!  Wow.  For the first time ever I have no sarcastic remarks in the slightest.  Brilliant.

Chia Obama: Ch-ch-ch-change we can believe in

Do you remember the Chia Pet?  The product that, until recently, held the record for the most annoying commercial ever?

Those nutty folks at Joseph Enterprises are at it once again, proving that crappy Obama merchandise is a recession-proof industry.  Introducing the :::shudders::: Chia Obama!

Ch-ch-ch-chia.

The Chia Obama comes in both “Determined Chia Obama pose” and “Happy Chia Obama” pose. Coming soon, the “Shirtless Chia Obama pose“.

According to the company’s website, you can expect full growth in 1-2 weeks, and you can reuse your Chia Obama indefinitely.

Indefinitely?  You mean until the plant dies.  Seriously, who buys replacement Chia seed?  And what the hell is chia anyway?

As long as we’re reliving commercials from my childhood, I wanted to share with you this.

Hat tip to high school chum Isaac for letting me know about this.

Some of my best friends are Barack Obama

When I started this blog, I vowed that I wouldn’t include anything deemed to be racially insensitive.  After all, this blog is about love.

That is, of course, unless the merchandise in question was so idiotic, so poorly conceived, so…. what’s the word?  INAPPROPRIATE that I couldn’t avoid writing about it.

By now, many of you are surely aware of the infamous “Drunken Negro Face Cookies.”  The cookies are the brain child of Greenwich Village baker Ted Kefalinos, proprietor of Lafayette French Bakery, an establishment featured in the hit TV show Sex and the City.

I don’t know what Miranda, the ugly one, the old one and the hot one would think about this…

Kefalinos claims that the cookies are in honor of our 44th president.  And what better way to celebrate this momentous occasion than to mock the heritage of the leader of the free world.

Kefalinos also claims he can’t be a racist because his brother-in-law is Cuban.

Proof enough for me.

Wait, wasn’t Hitler part Jewish?

Watch New York institution Arnold Díaz take this biggoted baker to task in this hilarious video clip.

Signs of change: Parking for Obamanistas only

This one comes to us from an eBay seller in the great state of Vermont.  The item has been listed several times and no one has bid on it yet.  Can it be that Obama mania is fizzling out?

Maybe I’ll start a blog about the Jonahs Brothers, or better yet, the Cheetah Girls.

Something about this sign doesn’t jibe with me.  Obama has made his career by reaching across the aisle in order to get things done.  It seems unlikely that he would apply some sort of political litmus test to parking.

Anyway, I’m pretty sure that it violates the 1st and 14th Amendments to base parking privileges on political preference.  Legal scholars, feel free to expand on this.

Finally, I think it’s insulting to imply that if you don’t support Obama, you’re somehow against change.  Imagine how much change we would have if we elected this one and that one to the White House?  What about this guy (BEST VIDEO EVER), or that guy?

Domo arigato Mr. Obama

Domo arigato

This one has been widely reported, so I had my choice of sources. Today, I decided to go international.

Chinese state news agency Xinhua reports that an enterprising Japanese publishing house has released an “English-learning textbook” titled “The Speeches of Barack Obama”.

Spokesperson for Asahi Press Yuzo Yamamoto explains that the speeches of President Obama are an ideal medium for learning English because they “are so moving, and he also uses words such as ‘yes, we can,’ ‘change’ and ‘hope’ that even Japanese people can memorize”.

Simple phrases even Japanese people can memorize? Wow, talk about the soft bigotry of low expectations. We’re talking about the same people that created this masterpiece, not to mention this touching tribute to our 44th president.

As a side note, Asahi Press is planning to release “Learn English with Mike Tyson” later this year.

It’s 3am, and the phone is ringing

Yes we can!

And by “we”, I mean you and me, baby.

And by “can”, I mean do it.

Introducing the Obama Condom, from the maker of the McCain Condom and the Palin Condom.

Unfortunately there’s no Hillary Condom: The Safe Choice.

We here at IOM feel the makers of these prophylactics seriously dropped the ball on this one.  There are many politicians more deserving than these three, including:

David Vitter, Larry Craig, Eliot Spitzer, Barney Frank, Mark Foley, David Paterson, Jim McGreevey, Grover Cleveland, Rudy Giuliani, Bill Clinton, John F. Kennedy and John Edwards.  Did I leave anyone out?

Coincidentally, as best as I can tell, only one other president has had a condom named after him.  The popular brand Rough Riders is named after Teddy Roosevelt.

I think it’s safe to say that the only people who aren’t after this hot-ticket item are the Japanese.