Barack-in-roll: Obama sushi

02/18/2009 by

Obama SushiThere’s something fishy in Washington, and no, it’s not the watered-down stimulus bill.  From the same island nation that brought you Super Mario, Power Rangers and animated pornography, I present to you Obama sushi!

The problem with Obama sushi, like the stimulus package, is that after half-an-hour, you already want more.

Unfortunately, I do not speak Japanese, but thanks to the wonders of the internets (which is, from what I understand, a series of tubes), I have obtained this translation:

“It is done. Please eat this.” As too nice to eat, and even extreme masterpiece “rolled sushi ornament” What a surprise! “But design is also important, as important as taste. After all is food. I’m finished I get to eat tasty”

Truer words have never been spoken.  Thanks to Jaime G, who has been killing it with the links.

Editorial: Obama be effin’ up my shiznit

02/15/2009 by

HaterI thought we were voting for hope and change.  I didn’t realize that we were voting for a total dict-hater.

According to, the Department of Homeland Security has sent a cease-and-desist letter to Sixpoint Craft Ales, a Brooklyn based brewery, to stop production of Hop Obama beer.  DOHS goes so far as to threaten to seize the brewery if the hoppy brew featuring the President’s name is not discontinued.

Honestly, how can he talk about economic stimulus when he’s basically shutting down the fastest growing segment of our economy?  As this blog has documented, people will sell (and buy) anything with Obama’s name or likeness on it.

How will I be able to continue this blog if there’s no more Obama dildos, no more Obama plungers, no more quarters with the word “Obama” written with a sharpie?

Seriously Obama, would you like some Hateraide with those hater-tots?  Who are you, Ruth Hater Ginsburg all of a sudden?  Do you shop at Hater Joe’s?  If Dubbya was the decider-in-chief, Obama is surely the hater-in-chief.

So Obama.  Do us a favor.  Times are rough enough.  Let us keep our Obama condoms, Obama pornos, and Obama soap-on-a-rope.  You stick to the economy, the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, your next Commerce Secretary and what type of dog to get Sasha and Malia, mmmmk?

A carbonation divided: Soda populism

02/12/2009 by

Soda PopulismAh energy drinks.  Is there anything harder to swallow?  One enterprising Frenchman has decided to capitalize on President Obama’s popularity in Europe by releasing Obama Soda.  YES WE SODA CAN!

The drinks are a big hit with French teens.  As NPR (my mom’s favorite news source.  Hi mom!) explains:

“I love Obama cola. This is the first time I’ve tasted it,” says Muhammed Cherki, 11. Cherki says he’s sure he could become president of France — but that he’d rather be a chef or the mayor of Hollywood.

Yes… Mayor of Hollywood… Uh, wow.  This from the same people that eat snails and think this guy is funny…

I have to be truthful, however.  I’ve been thinking a lot about the rapper 50 cent lately.  He’s made quite a name for himself, mostly by starting random beef with people he doesn’t know.  Starting beef is a surefire way to gain publicity.  It worked for Tupac and Biggie, as well as Jay-Z and Nas.

Well, now’s my turn.  I’m calling out Nice Deb, a conservative blog which also reports about inappropriate Obama merchandise, but from a right-wing perspective.  Although I don’t know this person, I am prepared to make the following statement:

Yo Nice Deb, you’re mad wack.  You call that a blog?  That’s the sorriest excuse for a blog I’ve ever seen.  I find your opinions laughable, and I believe you to be a hater.  Wassamatta, beeeotch?  ‘Fraid of a little change?

Nice Deb, if you have any cojones you will respond and we will have a blog-off.  I’m waiting.

Super Obama World

02/11/2009 by

Super Obama WorldYou blow into the cartridge.  It doesn’t work.  You blow a little harder this time.  Still nothing.  Finally, you call your older brother to help you.  He blows in the cartridge just right.  You turn the game on and hear that trademark “ding”.  You know you are in for some oldschool videogame fun.

Tragically, most of our moms have since discarded our precious vintage video game systems.  But have no fear, for Zensoft brings us Super Obama World, a Marioesque game without the hassle of antique electronics.

But alas, in the age of the 24 hour news cycle, the game is now woefully outdated.  The main nemeses are pigs wearing lipstick, a passé reference to a certain lipstick wearing hockey mom who has since faded into irrelevance.

But fear not, new levels are coming soon.  Maybe a level where Obama forces the stimulus bill down the throat of Mitch McConnell?  That’d be fun.

Joe Biden fan club shirts: No country for old men

02/04/2009 by

CreepyThere’s one in every family.  That lovable old grandpa or great uncle who used to be really awesome but somewhere down the line lost his marbles.  Maybe he shows up to important family functions drunk, or makes odd racist comments at the dinner table.

You still love him; after all, he is family, and he still is kinda awesome.

He’s our Uncle Joe.  It doesn’t matter that the only three things he says in a sentence are a noun, a verb and an inappropriate comment.

One enterprising apparel company has seized upon the nation’s love affair with this creepy old man.  Wow, that sentence sounded a lot better in my head.

Diesel Sweeties brings you the “We’re all Vice Presidents in the Joe Biden Fan Club” t-shirt.  Supplies are limited, act now.

The best of the worst: Songs about Obama

02/02/2009 by

Our first entry comes to us from Japan.  The Anyone Brother’s Band with their hit tune OBAMA IS BEAUTIFUL WORLD.

This one is para mi gente.  Les presento Los Amigos de Obama with their new hit ¿Cómo se dice?  ¿Cómo se llama?

Finally, I wanted to leave y’all feelin’ irie.  Here be sometin’ to vibe to.  Coco Tea with his new hit, Barack Obama.

Op-Ed: Petersen Peddles Obaminations

02/02/2009 by

Sigfreid and ObamaBy blogging about the audaciously hopeful Chia Obama, the genitally expressive Obama boxer briefs and my personal favorites, the ever-so popular Obama heroin and dildo, one infamous red-headed juggler has emerged as a vehicle of economic stimulation in the great forum of unfiltered cyber space.

More accurately, Kyle Petersen has hopped off the unicycle and established himself as a critic of the most inappropriate, outlandish and downright dysfunctional Barack Obama merchandise on the market.

By peddling his commentary on the lowliest of Obama-Rama-themed goods, however, our beloved juggler has unknowingly fallen victim to the self-fulfilling prophecy that plagues topical bloggers in hot pursuit of spreading their words to the masses.

And no, “topical blogger” is not a new treatment for herpes.

But Kyle Petersen, I’m afraid, has officially become inappropriate Obama merchandise.

Writers are peddlers of words, swill merchants of unique thoughts, ideas, emotions, and, as it were, political commentary. Bloggers, or as I like to call them, “unemployed journalists,” are a new breed of literary minds, free from editorial guidelines and objectivity. El juglar, however, has embraced one of the lesser evils in blogging concepts – humorous reflections on the crazy politically-themed products that could only be described as Obaminations.

Starsky and ObamaUsing America’s first black president as his literary muse, Kyle has defined Barack Obama as the ying to his yang, the Starsky to his Hutch, the John McCain to his Sarah Palin – though somewhat less geographically challenged.

Yet Kyle has missed the warning signs that we all saw coming when we first visited Inappropriate Obama Merchandise and is now marketing his very own brand of Obama-inappropriateness, single-handedly spreading a new strain of Barack Obamaitis.

Every link posted, every facebook and twitter plug, and every AIM conversation used to promote this forum of Obama mania can only be described as Obama-themed self-promotion, sharing the depths of human oddity with the online masses.

So congratulations Kyle, you are now in the same league as the Obama toilet plunger and the convict-friendly Obama soap-on-a-rope.

Lucky for you, however, you and your blogging antics may just make you lovable enough to also be in the same league as the highly-coveted Sasha and Malia beanie babies, and as bad ass as the Barack Obacka Star Wars mask.

So keep on blogging, my friend, and continue to spread the inappropriate Barack Obama word. As for me, I’m going to go smoke some marijubama and reflect on the audacity of hope and, thanks to you, democratic dildos.

Editor’s note: Katie Paster is a senior fellow at the Brookings Institute of Propaganda and Demagoguery

All around the mulberry bush: Barack-in-the-box

02/02/2009 by

Pop goes ObamaAh the Jack-in-the-box.  No not the fast-food chain with a history salmonella outbreaks.  The children’s toy.  Is there anything more inappropriate?

Seriously, what kind of toy is that for a kid?  Pull a crank until a strange man pops out of nowhere scaring the living buhjeezus out of you.  It reminds me a little of this.

Heeeeeeeeeeeere’s Obama!  Introducing the Barack-in-the-box.  At only $29.95, it’s a steal.

I can’t think of any better way to teach your child about the historical importance of this moment than by giving them a toy that will give them nightmares.

Also available is the limited edition Hillary-in-the-box.

I wonder, if Hillary had won, would there be the same amount of inappropriate Clinton merchandise?  Hillary Clinton boxer-briefs?  Now that’s what I call an aphrodisiac.

Thanks to Jackie D for the link.

Who are you voting for under there?

01/31/2009 by

ObunderwearLadies and gentlemen, America is a nation divided.

There is a large and vocal contingent of the population that adamantly prefers the freedom and comfort provided by boxer shorts.  They point to Ben Franklin who said “those who would sacrifice freedom for security deserve neither.”

On the other hand, many others demand the snugness and security provided by briefs.  They retort that with boxers, you’re flopping all over the place.

Both sides of the argument are dug in, and there seems little possibility of compromise.

Enter Obama Boxer-Briefs.  True to the nation’s current spirit of consensus, designer Andrew Christian has released boxer-briefs featuring the president’s likeness on the front, and the number “08” on the back.  At just $29, you’d be stupid not to buy them.  Wow!

Caveat emptor; You go out drinking with your friends.  You meet a pretty girl wearing a Ron Paul ’08 shirt.  In a pathetic effort to impress her, you tell her “yeah baby, I’m totally into Ron Paul.”  You take her home, forgetting that you’re wearing your Obama boxer-briefs.  One thing leads to another… but oh no!

“What’s this, Obama underwear?  You lied to me?  You lied.”  She’s livid.  “I’m sorry,” she says, “I have to go.  I can’t have a one-night stand with some guy I met in a bar if he’s the type of guy that lies!”

“But baby,” you say, “I’m wearing them ironically.”  But it’s too late.  She’s already gone home to her Obama pleasure toy.  You crack open a bottle of Senator Beer and cry yourself to sleep.

Uh… do you not remember the last eight years? Impeach Obama bumper stickers

01/30/2009 by

Selective Memory?

They’re here, Impeach Obama bumper stickers. Oh man.

So much to say, where to begin?

First of all, you can’t impeach a person just because you don’t like them.  The Constitution is pretty clear about this.  There has to be some kind of crime committed while in office such as… I dunno, a high crime or misdemeanor.

Seriously, the guy has been in office about a week-and-a-half.  He hasn’t even had time to pull a Blagojevich yet.  And it’s not like he opened secret prisons or deliberately misled the public into war.  After all, he didn’t torture people or spy on his own citizens.  I could understand if he stood idle while a natural disaster hit a major US city, or appointed his (totally unqualified) buddies to the Supreme Court or FEMA.

But no, Obama hasn’t done any of that yet.

Secondly, patriotic duty?  It’s patriotic to unjustifiably remove the duly elected chief of state?  You mean the one that won in a landslide last November?  That’s patriotic?

But because this is a fair and balanced blog, I’m going to give equal time to the other side.  Here’s what proponents of impeaching Obama say (my snarky comments in italics):

Obama not a US citizen
To the morons that voted this criminal into office, be it known…Obama has failed to prove his citizenship. He has refused to release a variety of documents that would clearly prove this…. Not to mention he has NEVER managed anything in his life. He has not even held a paying job outside of political office. The list of reasons to impeach this fraud are far to extensive to list here. Impeachment is too good. He should be in prison.

Uh, constitutional law professor isn’t a paying job?  And prison?  Seriously? Aren’t you thinking of this guy?

If you support Obama you support
NAMBLA, if you are an Obama fan then your a Barney Frank fan, DemocRATS are this countries cancer, We do not need to live in an Obama Nation!

Are you saying that 53% of the country supports NAMBLA?  Plus, what’s with the Barney Frank jab?  Kinda random homophobia.  You know, Freud hypothesizes that the subconscious mind manifests repressed desires.  Just food for thought.

obama not american not african
Yes he’s half white born in kenya just another racist like M.L.king hiding behind the name black/negro name he will premote more division between the nationalities or races as (Hussein obama the great black joke) would have it…. I feel sorry for the black People of America that have been taken in by this fake want to be black man. It will be the real Proud Blacks of america that take obama down…

I can see by your comments that you’re truly in touch with the “real” and “Proud Blacks” of America.  You must have many many black friends.

i wounder what it would be liek if I just worote things withoutht thinking what I was saying.  it seeems a lot easier I thingk for now on I wont think before I sau anythignb,.